if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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