sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
