I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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