I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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