And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.