Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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