this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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