My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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