I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
