The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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