Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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