hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
