I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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