new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
