Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
