Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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