I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
