make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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