Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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