Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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