no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
