I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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