I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
