I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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