So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
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