Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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