Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
