Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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