I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
