You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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