Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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