She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
