I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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