You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
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can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
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