Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
