my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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