When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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