how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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