This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
