Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
