We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
