I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
