I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Randomize
