based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
