Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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