She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
