At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
