Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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