Dude my mom stole all your condoms
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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