if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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