the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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