did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
