sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
