I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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