So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
