Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
