I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
