my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.