The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
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Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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