Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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