I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
