For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
